Once and awhile Mindwafers will have a guest columnist submit a blog in order to further our audience and allow special writers a forum to critique and editorialize when they wouldn’t normally have the chance to. Mostly because they aren’t real or have been dead for hundreds of years. Enjoy today’s Special Guest Op-Ed….from Jesus Christ
So the day I am arrested, convicted without trial, whipped and chained, forced to carry a big ass cross throughout the streets, stabbed and crucified on a rock, you guys call it Good Friday? What the hell is good about this day at all? Work closes early and people celebrate Good Friday – this was the worst day of My life. I am still on anti-anxiety medication and wake up screaming some nights when I relive what happened to be on this day and it was thousands of years ago. And you people call it Good Friday? Awesome – thanks for the support. How about we rename 9/11 “Super Awesome Tuesday” while we’re at it. I die for you people, and your one response is to not eat meat today? That’s the best you have for Me? Just to recap – I get nails driven through My hands AND feet, and get stabbed in the side of My stomach, totally ruining the ab workout program that I have been working on since college, and you guys agree not to eat meat for one whole day? Do you realize how many delicious foods are still out there that have no meat whatsoever. In my day, if you skipped meat – you didn’t eat. There wasn’t a Panera bread or a Red Lobster outside of Jerusalem, guys. It was no meat – no eat.
And what’s this baloney about being able to do what you give up for Lent on Sundays? What kind of bullshit is that? I toil in the desert for forty days and forty nights, the Devil up My ass tempting me left and right, and all I ask is that you give up something you love for forty days out of the year to try and feel a fraction of my pain, and you guys can’t even make it a full week without inventing some dumb loophole that makes you able to indulge on Sundays. Ooooh you give up mixed drinks! Oooh you gave up pizza or tacos or swearing! Big man! Gimme a break. How about some real sacrifice. How’d you like to not eat for forty days like I did. None of you would make it more than 12 hours, I bet. You’d give in to the Devil for a Hot Pocket or a Fruit Roll up so fast it would make your head spin, which ironically is the same thing that the Devil would make you do too.
In closing, I appreciate the staff at Mindwafers for giving me this forum, as you can see , I don’t get often and I rarely get to speak My mind on things anymore. I took a simple concept like Love Thy Neighbor and the next thing you know, I hate gays and think you should be advocating the burning of holy books. Man, the things people do in My name. It’s infuriating. But not as infuriating as you pussies in Lent that can’t make it just one day without eating a hamburger or chicken nugget. I’m making sure there’s plenty of room in hell for you obnoxious assholes!
-Jesus
So the day I am arrested, convicted without trial, whipped and chained, forced to carry a big ass cross throughout the streets, stabbed and crucified on a rock, you guys call it Good Friday? What the hell is good about this day at all? Work closes early and people celebrate Good Friday – this was the worst day of My life. I am still on anti-anxiety medication and wake up screaming some nights when I relive what happened to be on this day and it was thousands of years ago. And you people call it Good Friday? Awesome – thanks for the support. How about we rename 9/11 “Super Awesome Tuesday” while we’re at it. I die for you people, and your one response is to not eat meat today? That’s the best you have for Me? Just to recap – I get nails driven through My hands AND feet, and get stabbed in the side of My stomach, totally ruining the ab workout program that I have been working on since college, and you guys agree not to eat meat for one whole day? Do you realize how many delicious foods are still out there that have no meat whatsoever. In my day, if you skipped meat – you didn’t eat. There wasn’t a Panera bread or a Red Lobster outside of Jerusalem, guys. It was no meat – no eat.
And what’s this baloney about being able to do what you give up for Lent on Sundays? What kind of bullshit is that? I toil in the desert for forty days and forty nights, the Devil up My ass tempting me left and right, and all I ask is that you give up something you love for forty days out of the year to try and feel a fraction of my pain, and you guys can’t even make it a full week without inventing some dumb loophole that makes you able to indulge on Sundays. Ooooh you give up mixed drinks! Oooh you gave up pizza or tacos or swearing! Big man! Gimme a break. How about some real sacrifice. How’d you like to not eat for forty days like I did. None of you would make it more than 12 hours, I bet. You’d give in to the Devil for a Hot Pocket or a Fruit Roll up so fast it would make your head spin, which ironically is the same thing that the Devil would make you do too.
In closing, I appreciate the staff at Mindwafers for giving me this forum, as you can see , I don’t get often and I rarely get to speak My mind on things anymore. I took a simple concept like Love Thy Neighbor and the next thing you know, I hate gays and think you should be advocating the burning of holy books. Man, the things people do in My name. It’s infuriating. But not as infuriating as you pussies in Lent that can’t make it just one day without eating a hamburger or chicken nugget. I’m making sure there’s plenty of room in hell for you obnoxious assholes!
-Jesus
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